Dear Anna,

My girlfriend and I have been long distance for about a year, and one of the biggest points of tension between us is communication style. She only ever wants to text — she doesn’t like phone calls or FaceTime, even when we’re just catching up. The thing that really drives me up the wall, though, is that when we fight or need to work through something, she insists on handling it over text, too. That means these conversations drag out for hours, with long pauses between replies, misunderstandings piling up and no chance to hear tone of voice. I feel drained and frustrated by it, but she says it’s just the way she’s comfortable. I’m starting to wonder: is this a red flag about how she handles conflict, or is this just how Gen Z relationships work now? — Showing My Signs

Dear SMS,

While I’m certainly not the authority on Gen Z (#millennial4lyfe #crystalpepsi), here’s what you’ve got: a long-distance relationship where your girlfriend only wants to text, even when you’re fighting. Especially when you’re fighting. And you’re stuck in the world’s most excruciating game of conflict-by-thumbs, where a five-minute conversation somehow stretches into an eight-hour saga.

First, let me validate your frustration. Trying to resolve conflict entirely over text is like trying to assemble Ikea furniture with mittens on: technically possible, but why would you want to? Tone is easily misread, emotions are delayed by bad cell service or bathroom breaks, and the sheer stamina required to watch those little typing dots is enough to make anyone’s eye twitch.

Before we dig into solutions, let me say that yes, some people truly feel safer communicating in writing. Maybe your girlfriend gets overwhelmed on calls and needs the time and space to find her words. Maybe her nervous system lights up like a Christmas tree when she feels conflict, and texting gives her a sense of control. That’s not inherently wrong. In fact, written communication can sometimes make space for clarity and honesty.

But — and this is a big but — relationships can’t be sustained on only one person’s comfort zone. If texting-only fights are making you miserable, then the “method” is part of the problem, not just the “content” of the fights. The healthiest couples learn to meet in the middle: sometimes text, sometimes calls, sometimes “we’ll table this until we’re calmer.” Right now, it sounds like her style leaves zero room for your needs, and that imbalance is wearing you down.

So is it a red flag? Not automatically. It’s a pink one. A “hey, pay attention here” flag. The question isn’t “is texting-only a generational quirk?” (though, sure, some Gen Zers probably do prefer it). The real question is: Can your girlfriend show willingness to compromise, or does she shut down the moment you suggest another approach? If it’s the latter, that’s more about compatibility.

Here’s what I’d suggest: Bring this up outside of conflict at your next in-person hang. Don’t wait until you’re already spiraling in a text-fight about who left who on read. Instead, when things are calm, say something like: “I know texting feels safer for you, but it’s really draining for me. Can we try calling once in a while, especially when we’re disagreeing? I want us both to feel heard.” Framing it as a joint experiment, not an ultimatum, may make her more open to trying.

If she’s receptive, great — you’re building flexibility. If she refuses point-blank, then you’ve learned something important: This isn’t just about texting, it’s about how the two of you handle conflict. If one of you prefers to hit pause and write things out while the other needs to hear a voice, that’s not just a communication quirk — it’s a mismatch in how you regulate emotions together. Relationships thrive on being able to find a middle ground in those moments.

But the real test isn’t whether you fight — it’s how you fight. Do you both feel heard? Do you both feel respected? Or do you leave every disagreement feeling like you just went through a 12-round typing marathon and still didn’t get any closer to resolution?

At the heart of it, you’re asking a very important question: Can you two build a conflict style that actually works for both of you?

And if nothing else, remember this: No one should have to spend an entire Saturday typing “that’s not what I meant” into their phone when a five-minute phone call could save your sanity. Life’s too short, and thumbs were not designed for eight-hour arguments.

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