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Dear Eric: I can’t stop gossiping. I love it. I love talking trash. I feel no remorse about it at all. But my spouse hates it when I do it and it’s become an issue with us. I gossip with friends. I gossip on the phone. I gossip when I’m out. I don’t need to gossip with my spouse. But he says it paints me in a negative light. He won’t let it go and I think it’s making things tough between us. And so, I’m trying to change. But I don’t want to.

Do you have strategies for changing my ways when I don’t really want to change my ways? I think if I just gossiped less, my spouse wouldn’t find it so objectionable. But I don’t even want to do that. Can you help?

– Nothing Nice to Say

Dear Say: If you don’t want to change in this way, you’re not going to change. You may adopt a habit for a time, but it’ll either make you unhappy, and you’ll drop it or you’ll never fully commit to it, and it’ll recede into the ether. There’s a third option, I suppose – that you find the new habit actually works for you and the change happens almost despite your best efforts. But does that seem likely or efficient?

Don’t change for your spouse. Change, if you want, for yourself. What is gossip to you? Why are you gossiping? Are there other ways of communicating that bring you the same feeling of connection and energy?

It’s important to remember that what you put out frames the way you see the world. If you’re speaking negatively, if you’re always seeing the worst in people, then that’s the world you’ll live in. And that might be fine for you. It gives you plenty about which to gossip. But it’s worth asking yourself if the world you know can be bigger, kinder, fuller, or more loving. Gossip happens; it isn’t the gravest flaw one can have. But if you gossip so much that it’s impeding your marriage, you might want to ask yourself what you’re getting out of it.

Dear Eric: My husband's brother is approaching 90 and increasingly needs help physically and with memory problems. He is a sweet and charming man. His wife and her son do an admirable job of maintaining his physical health. They recently purchased an additional home near us in the small town where we now live in a retirement community.

We had been inviting them to dine with us or at local restaurants, but these events have become very stressful since the brother's wife and son constantly recount various trials and tribulations. Most relate to problems experienced by the boy's father (her first husband). Some relate to problems with tenants or maintenance of their apartments or their farm.

The son is not treated well by his father. He complains about maintaining their various real estate holdings as well as being forced to visit his father monthly.

I come away from these get-togethers worrying about their problems so I cannot sleep. Prior to retirement I had statewide responsibility to provide protective services for former state hospital patients. Even 30 years later, when I hear about abusive or exploitative situations, I find it impossible to ignore these issues. Is there some tactful way to redirect these conversations? It is really none of my business to hear about a former husband's late life challenges and the wife's son constantly complains.

– Disturbing Conversation

Dear Conversation: Being honest and direct may be your best bet here.

Given your history with the subject matter, it’s not unreasonable to ask that your sister-in-law and her son be a little more circumspect with what they talk about. They may not realize the impact they’re having. In fact, it’s quite unlikely that they do.

They might just be blowing off steam, or they might not have anything else to talk about. This is fine. It’s also fine to let them know that you struggle with the content. This is the give-and-take of relationships. We ask for what we need and offer what we can.

Talk to them before the next dinner so it doesn’t come off as a direct critique but rather can be received as an ask for future meetings. “In the past, we’ve talked a lot about the problems you’re having with your first husband and your real estate holdings. I have a background that exposed me to many abusive situations and so I’m sensitive to these kinds of situations. Can we talk about something else the next time we get together?”

If you feel so inclined, you might also let them know that if they need support with the issues they’re facing, you can point them to the right government agency.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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