Asking Eric: Husband posts unflattering photos to his large social media audience
Dear Eric: I have been married to a wonderful man for 44 years. My husband has a large following on social media platforms due to his former career. For the most part he makes interesting posts and these posts are seen and commented on by many people.
My complaint is this: my husband seems to (whether intentionally or unintentionally) continuously post extremely unflattering pictures of me on social media. If I comment on an unflattering picture that he has posted, he will rather begrudgingly take the offensive picture down.
His response to me is that I don’t like having my picture taken and he’s not wrong. Knowing that my picture, whether flattering or not, is going to be posted (or shared with our family) is extremely daunting. When my husband takes a photograph, he never looks at it. He thinks all of the pictures he takes are perfect with the first take.
My question for you is, how do I approach this habit of constantly posting unflattering photos with him? Or do I let this be the one minor thing wrong with this otherwise wonderful man?
– Photo Shy
Dear Photo Shy: It’s worth bringing up because it makes you uncomfortable and is, therefore, creating an issue in your marriage. Honestly, it’s not unreasonable to say, “please don’t post pictures of me on social media at all.” This gets around the issue of debating “what is a good photo,” which could just distract you both and isn’t really the point. He has a different standard than you do, but it doesn’t matter if he thinks the photo is fine. You don’t want these photos online, especially in front of a large audience.
It’ll be important to point out to him that this is a professional space that has garnered a lot of attention and therefore it has to be held to a different standard. There are ways of using social media as just a private photo album or a diary, but it is designed to be public and for content to spread beyond its context. Remind him that you have a different relationship with his public than he does and ask that he keep photos of you to himself.
Dear Eric: After doing all chores and maintenance around the house for 40 years I advised my husband he must help. Not sure if it’s a benefit or curse.
I give instructions as to how things work best, and I swear he purposely refuses to follow through. He’ll run the dishwasher when it’s only a quarter full. He did the laundry, but he stuffed the machine without separating colors. Then he has the kazoos to tell me that since he’s taken over things are better.
If he vacuums, he never moves anything, just goes around a cat toy or his shoes. One day he said he’d clean the bathroom, I thought that’s nice. Not. He put the toilet bowl cleaner in the toilet and walked out. When I asked about the rest of the toilet, sink, countertop, bathtub, mirror, floor and garbage, he became ugly and said I’m nuts that it’s not necessary.
He’s 79 and I’m much younger, but the stress of his complacency is overwhelming. He’s become a crabby, stubborn, mean, old man. I never understood when grandma would complain because he was so nice to me, but now I see how wives become mothers to old husbands and they become stressed, overworked, unhappy spouses. How do I fix this?
– Messy House
Dear House: It sounds like you could use a third party here to help diffuse some of the tension. This might be a friend who can help you decide what cleaning tasks are most important to you and can perhaps walk him through modifying the way he does it, or a couple’s therapist who can help you communicate better.
A lot of the valid frustration you’re feeling is pent up from 40 years of not having your efforts matched by his. So, while it wasn’t fair that you were doing all of the home maintenance, you may want to temper your expectations around him changing immediately. I’m not saying this is right or that he can’t change. I’m saying that he should have done this earlier and no amount of dishwasher loading is going to make up for the fact that he hasn’t addressed that imbalance.
So, I suggest that you talk with him about how you felt and ask him if he understands, then talk about what’s going on with the chores now and ask him his perspective. You may find that there are some chores that you’ll never see eye-to-eye on. It’s up to you to decide if you’re happier having it done or having it done the way you do it. But addressing what happened in the past will help you both clean up the present situation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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