... continued from above

-- A Florentine I was acquainted with was under the necessity of buying a horse in Rome, and bargained with the dealer, who asked him twenty-five gold ducats, too high a price; he offered to pay fifteen ducats cash, and to owe the rest; to which the dealer agreed. On the following day, when asked for the balance, the ...Read more

... continued from above

So, they start dating, and he finally asks her to the Formal Bowl (ahaha, get it, bowl instead of ball). Anyway, they get there and dance intensely for a few hours.

Finally, they get tired and she sends the boy cheerio to the milk bowl (you know, since it's a cereal dance, they have that and punch). He gets there and ...Read more

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of...Read more

Sam and George owned a store in the outskirts of San Francisco. It had been burglarized several times in the past year and Sam decided to buy a guard dog.

Shopping for one, Sam found himself in Chinatown, at a pet store whose sign boasted, The Best Guard Dogs That Money Will Buy. He entered the store, but much to his disappointment, all the...Read more

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride, with Billy's mother.

A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar.

Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When ...Read more

Q. What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan?

A. One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $17,000."

"What did he have?"

"Oh... About $17,000."

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public ...Read more

His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

"Ma, what do you ...Read more

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite...Read more

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said: "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.

2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.

4. ...Read more

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from ...Read more

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of ...Read more

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs ...Read more

... continued from above

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her...Read more

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.

I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way.

Almost.

...Read more

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can ...Read more