I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno," she replied.

"Do ...Read more

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights ...Read more

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high...Read more

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.”

Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.”

Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, ...Read more

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man ...Read more

It was raining outside. Not just raining, but pouring. Buckets of water were falling from the sky, and the little boy turned to his mother. "Mommy?" he said.

"Yes, darling?" his mother replied.

"It's raining very hard, isn't it?" the little boy asked.

"Yes, it is," the mother answered.

"Does that mean that Jesus is taking a shower?"

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and ...Read more

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

"According to "USA Today" the new trend in furniture is furniture made of concrete. You thought it was hard finding friends to help you move before!" -- Jay Leno

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"Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years? Divorced." -- David Letterman

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"A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't ...Read more

An Anteater walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him is he wants a beer, and the anteater responds, "Nooooooooooooooooooooo.."

The bartender says, "Okay, would you like a water?"

"Nooooooooooooooooo..."

Finally, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's with the long nose?"

Dear Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they ...Read more

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog - able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER ...Read more

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your ...Read more