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Greetings, students.

With school in session, you're probably learning mnemonic devices, handy sayings and acronyms. "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally" helps with the order of operations in math. Likewise, "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Noodles" stands for the planets.

But have you heard of DARVO? Oh, you must learn DARVO. DARVO will help you succeed in this stormy world more than any other trick, even more than ROY G. BIV (colors of the rainbow, well done!).

DARVO stands for "deny, attack and reverse victim and offender." Psychologist Jennifer Freyd introduced it in the 1990s, and it's often used to describe manipulation between two people. But because Florida's leaders are sterling role models, they employ DARVO against everyone.

Let's look to recent developments in the Hope Florida scandal for a primer. A Tallahassee grand jury found that Florida "misappropriated" $10 million in taxpayer money. "Misappropriated" is another word for "used dishonestly," or in some cultures, "stole."

That's because in 2024, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis' office sent taxpayer money meant for poor and sick people to a charity championed by his wife, Casey DeSantis. That charity then sent the money to Republican-controlled political committees to defeat an amendment the governor didn't like, one that would have legalized marijuana.

Because this snow job smelled fishy at best, the case went before a grand jury. Lots of witnesses testified knowledge such as, "IDK," and "I relied on the advice of my attorney, the red Muppet, Elmo."

The grand jury determined the switcheroo was "part of a sophisticated scheme to fund political activities." Still, due to the performance art of the witnesses, the jury could not glean enough evidence to press criminal charges. No one involved will be punished soon in any measurable way.

Wow!

I bet you're saying, "I, too, wish to misappropriate $10 million. How can I get away with something like this?" Well, let's break it down using DARVO. You in the back, shh. Phone away, or I'll take it.

DENY: DeSantis, Attorney General James Uthmeier and a host of others have said they did nothing wrong. They've maintained the whole thing is a "hoax," a reliable word to use when you are out of options. The administration swears some money in question was a "bonus," even though the grand jury said it could "plainly see that taxpayer money was misused for political purposes."

Are you catching on? The first lesson in DARVO is to lie no matter what. If you get caught stealing a roll of star-shaped pimple patches, just look the shopkeeper in the eye and say, "No, you gave this to me, remember?"

ATTACK: Now, the shopkeeper might not like this. He might reply with something like, "I may be young, but I wasn't born yesterday." In that case, the next step is to attack him. Rather than saying sorry and giving back what you stole, you must grind the shopkeeper into dust. It helps if you can accuse nefarious shadow lords of organizing a plot against you. Tell the shopkeeper he is smearing good people. Make him feel like dookie!

Remember, it's also helpful to blame the media for everything, and I do mean everything: your stubbed toes, your crooked hairline, the fact that you dropped your peanut butter sandwich on the track during gym. The media is always primo enemy No. 1.

REVERSE VICTIM AND OFFENDER: This part takes real skill, real razzle-dazzle, real moral ambiguity. Now's when you go, "Actually, shopkeeper, you stole from ME."

Since CBS Miami first obtained the sealed grand jury report, afflicted parties have been busy claiming the only real crime was the leak. DeSantis is demanding press outlets take down photos of his wife.

First lady Casey DeSantis spoke alongside Gov. Ron DeSantis during a news conference. During the conference, the governor and first lady handed out multiple checks to local churches as a part of their Hope Florida program. And Uthmeier is impishly threatening reporters with criminal solicitation for daring to exercise their constitutional right to ask questions.

When you bully everyone around you for calling out blatant wrongdoing, it is important to do it with a smile, maybe even a wink. This shows your detractors that, while you have no substantive leg on which to stand, you have flair. You have the courage of conviction to gaslight the gas lamp itself. And you still have at least one eye that closes at night.

Great work. Tomorrow, we'll break down "Every Good Boy Does Fine."

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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Copyright 2026 Creators Syndicate Inc.